Sexy Itachi no Jutsu
by PureWaterLily
Summary: Naruto comes up with a brilliant plan to bring Sasuke back.


Around some base in Otogakure, Naruto stands before his long lost comrade and rival. With an upheld fist, he declares for the 64th time, "Sasuke, I'm going to bring you back to Konoha!"

Sasuke, who has not given a fuck for the 64th time, sends the deadpan. "In case you are not caught up with the canon, I've long returned to Konoha."

"Well," Naruto says with a dissatisfied pout, "I was not responsible for that. The audience suffered through 300 insufferable fillers about me plotting to bring you back, so recent developments made them feel cheated. But don't worry, I've got a plan!" With that, he readies for his traditional hand sign.

Sasuke watches with general wariness, but overall lack of enthuse.

"Sexy no jutsu!"

"That's your plan?" Sasuke scoffs. "If it hasn't worked the past three times, why-"

A female version of his brother is tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, lips parted and staring back behind sultry eyes. She gives a teasing grin, and begins to unclasp button after button of her Akatsuki cloak.

"Naruto," Sasuke says, recovering from his stroke. "Change back now, or _I kill you_."

"You don't mean that," the female Itachi chuckles, tossing away the cloak. Sasuke cannot break his gaze when she leans in to give full cleavage of her breasts under the mesh. Her hands trace up her inner thighs, while her eyes continue to stare into him.

_Ha, got him!_ Naruto grins, until he feels a sudden sharpness.

Sasuke strikes his katana a second time, stopping a hair short from Naruto's neck. "You do _not_ turn my brother into a mockery," he warns lowly.

"But-"

"You will stop this idiocy, or I will _make _you stop."

Naruto's eyes widen, before the katana slashes down and he falls back in a yelp. The clone disappears in a puff of smoke.

Just as Sasuke exhales, a hand comes from behind and yanks his shirt, slamming him down into the ground. Straddling on top, the second female Itachi pulls on Sasuke's collar and whispers, "Oh no, we're not stopping."

Gritting his teeth, Sasuke draws chakra into his hand. The female Itachi jumps back before the electricity could piece her, but not without taking clothing damage. She lowers her eyelids at the exposed laced lingerie. "Oh, you like this."

With a stiff grip, Sasuke retakes his katana. "_No_, I do _not_."

"Then why are you blushing, my naughty otouto?"

Having enough, Sasuke attacks.

Naruto frowns. Well, for once, he has managed to rouse Sasuke enough to initiate a fight. But fighting back in a female body is a bit difficult unless…

"Harem no jutsu!"

"Naruto!" Sasuke screams, slashing through all the female replicas of his brother, who have their bodies pressed far too intimately, hands everywhere, and taunting in the same, annoyingly sexy voice.

Naruto refuses to go down. "Screw-the-clothing no jutsu!"

When it became apparent that the lack of anything modest past smoke would not break Sasuke, Naruto held up a hand sign again.

"Yuri no jutsu!"

With a devious smirk, Itachi leaned in and licked up the breast of another clone.

"Hentai no jutsu!"

A female and male Itachi pull each other into a kiss.

"Yaoi no jutsu!"

"Threesome no jutsu!"

"Orgy no jutsu!"

At this rate, Naruto will to die from nosebleed blood loss faster than Sasuke will. But he is _determined_, and if those don't work, then it was time to take it up a notch.

Before Sasuke could remove the last harem clones, a sword blocked his. Pirate!Itachi grins, tilting his head challengingly and gives the tap of a leather strapped boot. "Do you really think you can defeat me, little brother?"

At the last two words, Sasuke shivers, but deflects the blade with a pull. Only find his katana caught between the closing of a book. Sensei!Itachi, in inappropriately sexy glasses, shakes his head in disapproval. "Looks like there is still _much_ I have to teach you."

When the forbidden teacher-student romance gimmick fails too, Naruto tries several other professions, including but not limited to doctor, policeman, lawyer, priest, alchemist, mafia boss, pharaoh, vampire, scary vampire, sparkly vampire, vampire slayer, vampire slayer slayer…

Actually, vampires are _so_ last season. How about another immortal here? How about a changeling, or demon, or better yet, a cybernetic artificial intelligent humanoid engineered to look like an angel, only he's plotting to radically alter the genome of the homo sapiens species, yet can't because he's programmed to unconditionally love you for who you are, no matter how stupid or violent your current stature may be.

Just a thought.

Back to the non-existent crack plot...

"What the hell!" Sasuke demands, holding up a cutesy five year old Itachi in cat ears.

"Well, you _are_ suspiciously buddy-buddy with Orochimaru." Naruto shrugs. "Who knows what fetishes you absorbed from him?"

Meanwhile, the five year old Itachi knits his brows. With a pout, he taps Sasuke on the forehead and disappears in a puff of smoke.

His last idea defeated, Naruto collapses down.

Breathing heavily, Sasuke plants his katana in the ground and smirks. "I think that proves, once and for all, that any incestuous rumors concerning me and my brother are _false_."

"But I got it from such a credible source!"

"Who? Fangirls?"

"And the producers, the editors, the Japanese voice actors, the American voice actors... oh hell, even Kishimoto isn't denying it. Look at this!" Naruto holds up chapters 627.

"I… I said that in the heat of the moment!"

Raising an eyebrow, Naruto flips to chapter 619. "Oh that is a _really_ good panel of you there. Are you biting your lip?"

Sputtering, Sasuke takes the manga and Amaterasu'ed it into oblivion. "Naruto, give up! You lost. Your plan failed."

"In case you've forgotten, I am the main character Uzumaki Naruto! I never give up! Just... give me a moment, okay? I need to think."

With that, Naruto crosses his arms and sits in criss-cross, his serious face on.

The answer comes to him in a facepalm.

_Duh_.

Seeing Naruto's change in expression, Sasuke gets worried. Despite his nonchalant mask, Sasuke can't take much more of this. Naruto is already hitting way too close to his libido and if Naruto realizes his mistake then…

Naruto readies the hand sign.

Crap.

Canon!Itachi appears from the cloud of smoke. And Canon!Itachi does not spare Sasuke more than a glance before he turns.

And just walks away.

Sasuke stays still for one… two… three seconds, before,

"W-wait...

"Wait!

"Nii-san, I said wait!"

Katana forgotten, Sasuke tails behind the clone. All the way to Konoha.

And thus, Naruto has succeeded in bringing Sasuke back. Only, just as he is ready to celebrate, Sasuke walks up to him. "You do know that to _keep_ me in Konoha, you're going to have to keep up that sexy jutsu right?"

At which point, Naruto decides, screw it; he'll just let canon to come up with the solution.


End file.
